Today was a bummer. Every year, we have an event at work called Partnership. When we aren’t working remotely, work provides breakfast and lunch, they do raffles, and finally, announce our bonus multiplier. Every employee has a base bonus, and that base is multiplied by whatever the bonus multiplier is that year. The multiplier is based on multiple factors but primarily on how the company performed. Every time we received a communication throughout the last year, they always thanked us and told us how good a job we were doing. So we wait all year for this day, and today, we received our multiplier, and it was the lowest it’s been since I started working at the company. I know I should be thankful that we get a bonus, but the bonus is built into our compensation, so it’s expected. Since I’m getting married, I could’ve used the money, but I realize I should be happy that I even have a job right now as I’m writing this. I know companies are going out of business and are laying off folks left and right.
Besides this, I’m starting therapy tomorrow. Hard transition, I know. But, I’m looking forward to it. The only person I have to talk to is my fiancee, and the quickest way to kill attraction is to make your significant other your therapist. I have pent-up anger from unresolved things in my past, and I want to become the best version of myself. Anytime I stumble or give up, I automatically blame it on my childhood even though I know we have the power to create our reality. I want to start standing up for myself more. I often give in to what my fiancee wants to do, and then I get mad at her and myself because I didn’t get done what I wanted to.
I want to get better at creating boundaries and being consistent with a realistic routine. One of the other things I’m looking forward to in therapy is that he’s a man. I don’t have any solid male role models in my life, and I feel like I’ve been figuring everything out on my own. I’m so stubborn, and I never listen to people anyway, but I would look at those in my life, and I was not too fond of their results. So why would I listen to them? I don’t feel like there’s anyone I can turn to. When friends and family look at my life, I think they’d say I was successful, but I don’t feel that way. I’m thankful for what I have, but I want purpose. Not only do I want purpose in my life, but I want the confidence to go after it. When I have a purpose, I get after things. I know that there’s a reason that I’m here. I think there’s a purpose that we’re all here, but most never find it. I know God or the Universe has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself.
I’ve already seen it in my life. It’s easy to get impatient when money is tight, and there are all these things I want to accomplish. When I was doing gig work, I wasn’t stressed about money, and I felt like I was working for something. It wasn’t some grand purpose, but I was out taking care of my finances instead of laying around looking for meaning. I made an extra $15k, and it was honestly life-changing. I know I could be doing more in my life, but I see people making more money and don’t seem happy. Hopefully, by working with a therapist, he can point out ways that I’m self-sabotaging and start creating the life I deserve.
